...

Read this at your own caution... I warned you.

Jared Dean Bogan
Born 1/16/91 in Cloquet Minnesota
5'11 3/4" 170 lbs Brown hair Brown eyes
Career underachiever, life full of disraught thoughts and poor choices.
Mentally capable of a genius, the heart of Ghandi.
Where did it go wrong?
Some may say
It's his parents fault- brought him up wrong
Bullshit
I have the best parents on this planet Earth
So what must it be then?
My answer
The answer I have been searching for my whole life
Myself
I am the asshole thats fucking my shit up for ME
I am the person who has been the problem
Do I want pity?
Fuck no
Help?
Nope
Then what do I want?
Love?
Yes, but doesn't everyone?
Family
Yes but its not logical to do that at this time
Hope?
Yes but, what am I to hope for?
Saving?
No, absolutely not
A person who claims to live and die by a saying must live and die by that saying
I can't be a hypocrite
Not in my nature
I couldn't live if i was a hypocrite
My saying?
If you dig yourself a hole, stop fucking digging and figure out a way to get out
Ironic?
Very much so
So, what to do?
What are my priorities?
What the HELL am I gonna do when I graduate?
Move? Possibly, but can I really leave what little family behind?
Probably, I'm a selfish jackass like that
I've done it once, shouldn't I be capable to do it again?
Oh well, leave that decision untill my "test run"
So, what defines "Jared"
Lets start with the positives
I'm smart
I'm funny
I'm nice
I'm compassionate
I'm reliable
I'm apparently decent looking
Negatives?
Yes sir
I'm too smart
I'm too sarcastic
I'm too much of a jerk when I shouldn't be
I'm not really kind to those who need it
I'm too picky about women
I'm power hungry
Odd facts?
Why not
I cry during sad movies
I enjoy cuddling more than making out
I dislike ketchup, mustard, mayonaise, whipped cream, and cauliflour
I prefer to be alone, almost more than anything
I really could beat Tiger Woods in golf if I commited myself
I really am saving my virginity for the woman I love
Hates?
Of fucking course, no cynic could be without
I hate being called gay or a fag because 80% of my friends are women
I hate seeing others in pain, but my presence only makes it worse for both of us
I hate being powerless
I hate the weak
I hate the self-sorry
I hate the rendundancy of everyday life
Oh god how I hate my life
Wake up, drive, pretend to learn, go home, sit in front of a dumbass piece of silicon connected to bottled lightning, try to sleep, try to dream...
What is a man without a dream?
That, is Jared.
Yet...
Some may ask
Why shadow?
My response
It is what I am
A shadow of my potential
A shadow of what I really could be
Or become
A shadow... of myself
The only shadow I see when I look at the ground
Is the shadow of a dumbfounded fool with too much information and spare time
So, why must I live this way?
I don't desire it
Truly, I do not
I despise it
I despise myself
I despise my own being
Take my own life?
Why?
All that would say is that I pity myself
Which I do not
Anyways I couldn't do that to my family
I couldn't do it without never having loved or being love
So why do I do this?
What is wrong with me?
Myself, yes, I have established this
So... What about myself is doing this?
My... My shadow?
Am I letting it hang over me?
Perhaps, perhaps it is time
It is time
It is my time
Now, this moment
Is all mine
Not in the power sense
No not at all
It is just purely
Mine

I plan on checking myself into a mental ward soon fyi. The voices in my head really are drowning out the music that is playing at this moment. And really I don't know where I am. No I am not on drugs, I just feel... Nothing

now i am crying
why? i do not understand
but it makes sense to me
im gonna... go lay down

don't check yourself into a mental ward..then we won't be able to be roommates

oh, but, to be honest i used to be crazy like this too. Sometimes it's who you are that is the only thing worth keeping. i would rather be myself than be someone I'm not any day of the week. That's probably why I don't seem to care how I act towards people in Quake, cause I'm not ever going to see these people and if they talk to me negatively then I will do the same. It's just my nature to retort. But dude, you're not crazy. Believe it or not, my mom and my brother both have told me they have "voices" in their head similar to yours. It's just a mundane routine is what keeps them alive. I'm sure once you graduate and we hangout and go to strip-clubs and shit you'll have a clearer mind cause I'm one of you best friends and I'm not gonna let you go to a nuthouse :<

so you having a roommate take priority over my wellbeing?! where do you get off at that?!

why in the HELL did i post this? im losing it

I edited my post >.>

ok but the mundane routine is whats killing me, ive found the source of the blood flowing from my wounds

you think i give a shit how i act to people? i just react how i would if i was talking face to face

you know what I do when I'm thinking too much?...starcraft. >.>

sorry, I don't really know what to say...and I know you're regretting posting this, but it's better to get all these thoughts out SOMEHOW rather than letting them seep deeper into your brain. Bottling stuff up is how I lost Rachel, and pretty much every girl I've been with. I've gone through a same sort of loneliness and mundane life you are going through. Not exactly, but from some parts you described are ones I can relate to. Just stick it out, you've got 2 months left and then freedom to do whatever you want in life, be with whomever you want, and live however you want. And you know we all got your back here <3

i hate you only because i cannot reply to that. you bitch <3 ty for always being there for me.

nice shadow.

I wish I could express myself how I used to be able to.

Shadow wrote:i hate you only because i cannot reply to that. you bitch <3 ty for always being there for me.

probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me

Wait... bogan?

its irish lol. i do have aussie relatives though =o

So Jared.... whats changed from this?

nothing, because nothing ever changes. ill always be trapped inside my head, ill always be weak, ill always be useless

Fair enough.

He's still young...and maybe a little less drunk.


Basically your opposite, Tad.