rush 11/1/2010 - 11/5/2010

Name: Jared
Age: 19
Location: Minnesota

I was born at 12:32 AM on January 16, 1991 during a snowstorm in Cloquet, MN. (tmi? :d) I went to the same school from Pre-School through 11th grade, then transferred my senior year due to my old school releasing teachers because of an imbalanced budget. Unfortunately for me, they released a few programs I needed for credit to graduate!

Anyways, I'm going to get this shit out of the way.

Everything I will post in this thread will be truth, straight from my heart. I sincerely hope that you respect that and choose to view it as such. I know I have a reputation on these forums as a "flamer" or a "troll", when I'm really not such an ass outside of this small piece of internet. I'm going to be brutally honest with myself, as well as type some things for me that may cause myself or others to become emotional. Keep in mind, I do not want your pity... I'm sharing this for ME, not for you... You could all not read any of this and I wouldn't feel any different.

In any case, if you do bother reading my next posts, I hope you enjoy them from a literary aspect. If you cannot at least do that, then I highly suggest you go fuck yourself.

<3 rush

For those that do not know, I suffer from multiple anxiety disorders. I go through multiple panic attacks on a daily basis, and I also suffer from fairly severe migraines with about the same time-frame. Basically, my day will go like this: Wake up with a migraine, have a panic attack in the shower (anxiety that I might be late for work, forget something that I need to bring, freak out reflecting about what may have happened the previous day), drive to work in heavy traffic, have panic attack while driving (lateness), arrive at work (almost always early) and begin my day of redundancy. From there, I usually have around one to three panic attacks before lunch time. This continues throughout the day, and even more so when I get home. Hell, I had a panic attack writing this because I thought of what people might have thought!

The reason I go through these is usually my own fault, I will think about so much in such a short amount of time that I will give myself a migraine. The migraine will usually cause the panic attack because the thought that caused the migraine will usually be so negative that I will go through a vast amount of scenarios of what I would do if the event would be to happen. I understand that this situation may be confusing, so I'm going to walk you through what happened today; although, today was fairly different due to the fact of me leaving work early for an appointment.

Today during work (I didn't know I had this until after my appointment), I suffered what is called an ocular migraine. It is a side effect from my lasik surgery I had over a year ago to correct my vision. I had no idea what was wrong with my eyesight at the time, so I freaked out. I immediately thought of what I'd have to do if I were to have to have the surgery again, if my problem was eye cancer, or if I had to have my eyes removed for some reason (as crazy as this sounds, these are but a few of the many obscure scenarios that ran through my head). The one that stuck out most to me was if I were to have my eyes removed, what I would do. I came to the conclusion that if I were to no longer be able to see, that I would simply kill myself. Then I thought of how I'd kill myself, and where, and when. What I would do to prepare for it, who I would give my items to, etc etc... I actually started tearing up at work because I envisioned that I would have made a shout-out video before I took my own life, and the things I would have said to the people that have influenced my life... Yeah, I cried like a little girl at work because I imagined what I would have to do if a near-impossible situation happened.

I'll post more about how events like this can happen. How a simple thought can turn into a very visceral, very real experience in my head, and affect what I do during the day.

I have a photographic memory. Most people I talk to always say how they'd absolutely love to have one. Me, having one, am inclined to disagree. I don't have a "textbook" photographic memory, mine is more like watching a movie. I load the memory, then watch it through my own eyes as if it just happened. Of course, I don't remember "everything", but I remember quite a bit in comparison to what others do. The positives of having it are obvious, I'm able to recall almost every important event or fact in my life within 5-20 seconds. The negatives, however, are similarly obvious but often overlook. You see, negative thoughts have a way of being quite more prominent. Imagine re-living the worst days of your life, over and over again, inside your own head. Imagine remembering exactly what it felt like when you heard someone died. Imagine knowing that you'll never be able to forget those moments, and never able to stop reliving them. Imagine having to deal with the pain of your entire past every day... Like I said in my first post, I do not want pity... I just want people to understand what I have to deal with on a day to day basis.

Having told my life story to some very close friends, and telling them about my memories, my anxiety, and other issues... Most people say they're surprised I'm still alive, because they wouldn't have the will to struggle through it. I've been close to suicide many times, as I know most people have been... The strange thing about my attempts is that within a 15-30 minute window before I have committed to do it... Something strange will happen, or someone I care about will randomly reach out to me to help, or I'll relive a good part of my life via my memory... I wont ever take my own life, unless something bizarre happens (i.e. the no eye scenario). It just feels so strange, so intense, to be that close to the borderline. To be that close to not existing, it's a thrill. I want to know what it feels like to die, but not lose my existence.

I need that adrenaline rush... I need to feel dead to feel alive.

Despite my photographic memory and blah blah blah I very very rarely remember any of my dreams (whilst sleeping, mind you). Anyways, last night I had a dream about a girl I hadn't talked to in oh... 1.5 years? Sex dream, of course, but that's beside the point. So I drive in to work, and my phone goes off... Who is it? Her! After one and a half years of not even attempting to communicate with me, and she texts me out of nowhere. Anyways, it turns out she had a dream about me last night as well. I lied about my dream and told her it was something else, but still. What are the chances that me and this girl start talking again after having dreams about each other on the same night? Strange fucking shit...

I highly recommend downloading this and listening to the album in its entirety in one sitting; you should put your good headphones on.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/7879581/Nine%20Inch%20Nails%20-%20The%20Downward%20Sprial%20%28FLAC%29.zip
(If you get an error, just try downloading at a later time/date.)

It's in a lossless codec, so it's full CD quality. However, you may need to use winamp, foobar2000, or a different media player that supports the FLAC codec. If your current media player doesn't... well... it fucking sucks.

This album, as one combined piece, is the most influential work of music I've heard in my life. The progression of the character told in the music as he travels down the downward spiral is absolutely breathtaking to me... I remember the first time I ever listened to it in its entirety; I was shaking because of how the music moved me, how it spoke to me, how it called out to me...

By far and away, the last song on the album is my favorite. It completely summarizes the whole album and is so powerful in so many ways... I'm extremely envious of Trent Reznor's ability to convey that kind of emotion through his vocals.

There's this guy I know, and he's pretty pathetic. He never trusts himself, and always second guesses everything he does. This guy is such an idiot, that he lets such a vast amount of opportunities slip past his grasp. Opportunities people would and have killed for. This guy is so selfish, so self absorbed, that he doesn't care about anyone else but himself. Someone in his family could die tomorrow and he'd turn a blind eye.

Yet, he doesn't even like himself, doesn't enjoy what he does, doesn't like the way he lives, doesn't like the way he acts, and doesn't like the way he can't interact. So why does he care about himself? Why should anyone care about him?

I had a long post already written up, but I think it's better if I keep this (fairly) short.

If you haven't gathered anything from the above posts (although I'm fairly sure I made it clear...), I hate myself. I despise how I act, I dislike every aspect of me. I feel insecure, so I attack others. I release myself through quake and forums. I'm just a fucking worthless nobody like everyone else. We all live to die, there is no point to any of us existing. I'm not special, you're not special, nobody is special.

The problem with me is that I think I am special. I think I am extremely smart, I think I'm very good at many things, and most of all, I think I'm better than most people. You may call it "egotistical", I justify it as realism, even though I truly know that I'm just compensating for my own insecurity. I really don't understand what everyone sees in me, I really don't understand what I see in me. Almost everyone I know tells me that I'm smart, that I'm funny, that I'm well mannered, that I'm polite, that I'm great, that I'm amazing...

How am I supposed to deal with this? If I'm so great, why do I despise myself? Why do I hate me if I'm not a bad person? My solution is simple, I justify it by acting out and being a dick. I'm a dick on forums, I'm a dick in quake, I'm a dick to people in my life... I've had so many women fall for me, and I just repel them away because I think I'm some kind of fucked up monster. I've fallen for a few girls, and I just end up staying away. Justifying it by saying I don't wanna hurt them. Justifying it by saying that I don't wanna ruin their lives because I'm a fuckup. Justifying it by over thinking and over analyzing everything they do.

The only girl I've truly fallen in love with... she wants nothing to do with me, because of what I did to keep her away... Apparently I'm good at making people hate me if I want them to as well.... That's my only real regret, pushing her away, pushing everyone away. Pushing fucking everyone I care about away so I can be a selfish asshole to justify my own thinking.

Fuck me.

Anyways, for those who read all my posts, I apologize for being selfish and posting solely about me. I know it looks like a cry for attention, because it is. I'm a fucking lonely piece of shit who had nothing better to do than post 9000 times on a gaming forum for a shitty ass mod for a shitty ass game. Thank you for bearing with me.

-Jared