NO DATA 11/29/10 - 12/03/10

Name: Blade Lucas Neild Bingham(I don't think I had to post my full name...but I did anyway)
Age: 18
Location: Lebanon, TN

First off, I'm going to explain my name, cuz I'm half sure some of you are wondering if my parents were on drugs when they named me or if there's some kind of hidden meaning behind it...there's no hidden meaning and they weren't on any drugs when I was named...my dad wanted to name me and my mom said it had to be in the baby name book. He looked and found this name, thought it sounded cool, and BOOM...I got my name.

As for the double middle name thing, I was given lucas in-case I wanted to use a normal name growing up...however, they failed to tell me this until I was 14 and a freshman in high school. Neild is my dad's name and he wanted it passed down to his child, and it's spelled like that cuz my grandmother couldn't spell to save her life.

I've been thinking about how I'm going to do this thing, and I've decided I'm going to do a mixture of Tad's and the rest of the gang's usage of this. I plan on going thru my week telling about my day and using those events to tell a bit about my life. It's probably not as bad as the rest of y'all's...but I, like everyone else, have my problems and issues so if I do go emo, just bare with me and don't worry about it. Also, don't give me any pity, like Clip and Rush said, I'm not out to get your pity or sympathy, I'm just out to vent and maybe relate to others who are having the same problems I am, IF there are any. I'm pretty sure there are...I don't exactly have abnormal problems.

This seems like a fail of a "Get to know me post" but it's all I can really do atm...w/o going all emo on my first post anyway, I'd prefer not to do that

Oh, and last thing before I go to bed for the day, plz don't judge me and send me pm's about how weak and pathetic I am IF I do go emo...I've had enough bullying throughout my life...

I just ate some Hot Pocket: Side Shots, Sloppy Joe flavor...not half bad...still hungry tho. I also recently found out that one of my best friends is more than likely pregnant with her douche-bag ex's kid and that my ex and best friend nearly got kicked out of her house last night...not a great way to start a day. What makes it worse for me is that I want to help them so badly but I can't really do anything but wish them good luck...I hate just sitting there and watching this kind of shit happen...it makes me feel useless and like I shouldn't even be here.

Course, it doesn't help that the one that nearly got kicked out is the one my story was about...

http://www.pwpclan.org/writer-s-haven-f31/my-perfect-life-t7797.htm

There it is in-case you guys don't know or just didn't care. Whether you read it or not, that's your choice. I just figured I'd throw that out there

Watching Avatar, the collector's edition which has 3 types of the movie on it. The first release in theatres, the second release in theatres which was slightly longer, and the director's cut, which, as always, is even longer. Director's cut ftw.

Also got into this discussion with my ex about Christmas and the Christmas Tree and what's important about the holiday. She said the Christmas Tree was the important part because it is what brings families together, you put it up together, you decorate together, and you celebrate around it together. I said that people are the important part, for the tree itself is nothing but a symbol, and symbols have no power or meaning unless people put power and meaning behind it. So, imho, no matter what's important to you about Christmas, you as a person make it important.

Woot, just got into an arguement with my sister about cars, she said the Suzuki Honda Civic is a real car, which is a technical impossibility since Suzuki and Honda are 2 totally different companies and therefore don't equal each other.

Well, my day was just ruined by my sister. She's allowed to walk all over me and I can't do shit to her cuz if I do she will go to the hospital and my dad knows that...that's why I didn't get to fight her on my 18th birthday, he didn't want to pay her medical bills. She is the ONLY person I know that could drop dead right in front of me and I wouldn't be phased at all, or I'd jump with joy. One or the other.

I was talking to max and he was talking about how he misses Quake 5 years ago. This got me thinking about my life now and what it was like last year and the year before that. I noticed that it just got more and more complicated as time went on, every year something happens during the summer to make the rest of the year complicated. I miss the simpler days of 2 years ago, and even last year. 2 best years of my life so far. They were when my life was perfect and didn't ruin it.

Just figured I'd throw this out there, my posts on this are going to be random as HELL. In-case you haven't noticed by now. But even tho my posts are random and seem to have no relevance toward each other, that's how my days work. One second I'll be thinking about one thing, the next something totally different. There's no guarantee I'll go emo this week, but there's a chance.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't open this topic with an expectation on what you're going to read.

Today, I was thinking about something Core wrote in his time capsule. The part where he mentions his anxiety problems. This got me thinking about my psychology class I took my senior year cuz we spent a week or 2 talking about mental disorders, anxiety being one of them.

I then remembered that people in that class with me told me I fit some of those disorders. They told me I fit: depression, paranoia, OCD, ADD, and bi-polar. I can see depression, paranoia and ADD, but not OCD and bi-polar. At least, that's what i thought when they said that. I started paying attention recently and, from what I can tell at least, it does seem I have at least mild OCD and bi-polar, but I honestly have absolutely no clue one way or the other. I'm just going off what I learned in my psychology class.

One day when I get the money, I'll go to a psychiatrist and find out if i have some kind of mental disorder, and if I do, how many I got, what it/they are, what level it/they are, and if it/they are treatable. Cuz some may not be treatable, like depression. Sometimes depression is a chemical imbalance which is treatable, but that's not always the case. Sometimes it's just stress or the lifestyle that depresses a person, and therefore can't really be treated medically.

But I am curious if I actually have these disorders people say I have. It would be nice to know.

Oh yeah, figured I'd poke around a bit in my life for you guys.

When I was in the 1st grade(5 years old), I was taken to some kind of doctor-guy to see if I had ADD, they told me that there was no such thing as ADD, it's only ADHD. And they assumed since I always was fidgeting with things and was hyper as hell, I had ADHD. Well, it turns out the hyperactiveness came from the fact that I was 5 years old and all 5 year olds are hyper. But they put me on ritalin and I swear that shit permanently fucked up my brain. I've NEVER been the same as I was before they put me on that shit. And if it wasn't for my dad, I'd still be on it. And Max, you said something about me being moody a couple days ago. Thank the ritalin, and trust me, it was A LOT worse while I was on it.

That trip actually made me lose faith in doctors, cuz ADD doesn't equal ADHD. I'm fairly certain I have ADD, but I know for a fact I don't have ADHD.

I learned the differences from this guy I met on one of my dad's band gigs. He explained the differences of ADD, and ADHD.

He said that if you have ADD, you can focus, just not on the details. But if you have ADHD, you can't focus to save your life.

If that's the case, I do have ADD, but it's fairly obvious I don't have ADHD. I'm not that hyper.

I started thinking about how I have a bunch of short posts, some will probably think that this is because I'm trying to rack up a post count. Those people would be DEAD wrong. The multitude of short posts actually says a lot about me and how my brain works.

"How does it say a lot about how your brain works?"

Good question reader, it says a lot about how my brain works cuz this is how I think. In many short bursts. There are times where I'll sit for a long time and think about something, but most of the time it's quick, and completely irrelevant to anything.

Today, however, is Wednesday. Not a very special day to most people, but to me, it's one of the most dreaded days of the week. It's the day I go to church. Once again, not that big of a deal for most people, but church depresses me more than anything else. It reminds me of my loved ones who have passed and it reminds me of all the mistakes I've made that have hurt the people important to me. So after 8(ish) when church lets out and I've taken Christeena home, you'll probably see my emo side. Just a fair warning.

Also, at around 2:30 CT, I'll be leaving to go pick up Christeena from school and spend the day with her. So I won't be on xfire, Quake, or the forums until church lets out.

I can honestly say that I'm shocked I didn't get depressed while I was at church. Idk if it was cuz Christeena was there or if it was because I hadn't been in a couple weeks.

All I know is, my days in this are running out and I've not had an emo day. Which is very shocking to me.

I started to think about the time capsule and was comparing it to a sort of diary. And then I started to think about why we'd post so much about ourselves in this diary when everyone in the world has access to it, and I came to a realization. I did at one time say I wasn't going to do this, I guess I came to this realization before I PMed T@D subconciously.

For the people who aren't in the clan and reading this, chances of them meeting us are very low, and so it's highly unlikely that they'll be able to be douche-bagz and use it against any of us.

For the people in the clan...this is a family, and while we are dicks to each other, we're always joking around and we do respect each other.

I can't believe it took me as long as it did to actually realize this...

I posted recently in the "Our Quake History" topic, and I started thinking about how I got this far in the community. So I'd like to take a moment and thank everyone for their help.

Smokey: Thank you for getting me the full version and for the cfgs you've supplied me with. And for putting up with me on xfire.

maX!ma: I also thank you for putting up with me on xfire, as well as in game and on the forums.

The Quake community/forum(s): Thank you for dealing with my bs and helping me become a decent player

The *pWp* family: Thank you for allowing me to be a part of you.

Last, but sure as hell NOT least, T@D: Thank you for trusting me with a leadership position and for the help you've given and do give me.

I was looking at the drama going on in maX!ma's application, and then I started to think about how T@D and Po!son were "discussing" things earlier, I then began to think about how Despicable and rush got into it earlier on Despicable's post about CoD w/e and I've come to a conclusion about Thursdays. It's weekly fight over something stupid day.

It seems every Thursday, someone in game, on xfire, or on the forums starts something with someone else, or comments on something in such a way that it starts some battle.

So...HAPPY WEEKLY FIGHT DAY EVERYBODY!!!!!!

I was listening to one of my Linkin Park cds and a couple songs made me think about Kelly again. Kelly is the one my story is about, just clearing that up cuz I don't think I've ever mentioned her on the forums.

This one is like me speaking.

And this one is like her speaking.

There are parts of each song that don't fit the situation, but a good majority of them do...

If there was one thing I could take back, it would be me cheating on her, or at least me not telling her...at least then I'd still have her trust...It took me 3 fucking years to earn it...and I basically threw it away as if it was nothing... If only I could say, "I was drunk," or, "I was high," but I can't. I was in complete control of myself, and the situation...

Figured I'd go into a little more depth about me and Kelly...

She moved in next door the summer before my sophomore year of high school, she was gonna be a freshman that year. Me and my sister were the first 2 people here she had met, and tbch, we didn't really like each other at first. She thought I was a douche and I thought she was annoying.

After we spent more time together, we started to like each other as friends and so on. Unlike most people I knew, she actually cared about me. And unlike most the people she met, I kept to myself, I didn't really speak about me or my past any. Not that I have a bad past, I just didn't really like to share certain things with total strangers. Which is why I haven't posted my birthday anywhere, I did recently put it on my profile, so you guyz can wait til it rolls around or an admin can go look at it and see it.

My junior year(her sophomore), second semester, we finally date, and while me and her are dating, she starts dating my ex Jennifer. Me and Kelly dated for 3 days, then she broke up with me. She was having a pretty hectic home life and she needed to just focus on her and home at the time. Bout 4 months later, summer rolls around and we're hanging out a lot, she's dating some guy named Spencer(who was cheating on his gf with Kelly) and she knew that, but it was ok cuz she was cheating on him with me. After awhile she makes him choose between her and Autumn(the girl he was cheating on) and he chooses her. She broke up with him for that thinking, "If he's so willing to break up with a girl for me, who's to say he won't do that to me?" I ended up putting that thought in her head, but that's beside the point. After they break up, we're still acting like we're dating, but we technically aren't, and a week before my birthday, she asks me out.

Less than a week before school starts back up, we do a stupid thing. We sneak out of our houses to see each other. While we're hanging out, her baby sister wakes up and starts crying and it woke her mom up, and she went in Kelly's room to see what was going on, cuz her mom is a lazy abusive bitch and makes Kelly take care of the kid. Her mom calls her boyfriend, Reggie, and he comes home and checks their backyard, we sneak more into my backyard and wait awhile. At about 2 am, we lay on the ground and go to sleep, her laying on me in my arms(one of my favorite memories) and it starts to drizzle, I wake up around 3 and say, "My window is still unlocked, wanna go inside and get out of the cold and rain?" She says yes and in we go, we lay in my bed, and go back to sleep(we didn't have sex, just throwing that out there). She stays in my room until 5 pm that day cuz my sister caught us, and we decided that we couldn't get out of this. The cops were involved and everything. We walk outside and talk to some detectives and tell the story. I have no clue what-so-ever what she told the detective, but I told him exactly what happened. After that, she broke up with me cuz she felt like everything between me and her was lost cuz of that one night.

School starts back up and we go on with our lives, she starts dating some guy named Conor(cool dude) and I'm still single. She breaks up with Conor, I'm still single. I start dating this girl named Haley, Kelly's still single. Shortly afterwards tho, she starts dating someone named Travis. About a month later, he breaks up with her cuz he wanted her to date this guy named Justin(everyone called him Marine) cuz he thought Marine could make her happier than he could. Well, her and Marine do something stupid and he cut ties with her, I'm still dating Haley. After a couple weeks, she starts dating this girl named Sara, this is the beginning of December. Christmas break rolls around and 2 days before school starts back up, me and Kelly kiss and felt really bad about it cuz it technically was cheating. We both decided it would be better to tell who we were dating, so we did...sorta. I never got to tell Haley, she forced it out of Kelly before I had a chance to tell her, the day before school, Haley broke up with me. Kelly told Sara when school started back up and Sara(while hurt) said, "It's ok, we can still make it." Kelly then broke up with Sara cuz she lost the feelings for her(they were probably overshadowed by the ones for me...). We still thought it best if we didn't date again, so I remained single for about a week, then Haley told me that she made a huge mistake and that losing me hurt more than me cheating on her. So we got back together. About a week later, she starts dating this girl named Amber while dating me, she did this in November as well, and I didn't exactly like it cuz she didn't ask me if I was ok with it. To me, that showed a lack of respect, but she was happy so I overlooked it. This second time, I couldn't, so I broke up with her.

About a week later, I dated this girl named Meghan(pronounced like Megan) and after roughly a week, I break up with her. I wanted Kelly back too badly. I had even gotten her a Valentine's Day gift and asked her back out the Friday before Valentine's Day(it was on a Sunday). But while me and Meghan were dating, she was chasing my cousin Matt, about a day before I asked her out, she said she would rather be with me. But I was spending the weekend with Matt and his brother John at my grandmother's house, and she was texting him and said, "Right now I'm with a guy I'm only with cuz I didn't want to hurt him." I had already told him that me and Kelly were back together, cuz for some reason, my relationships always come up. And he was telling me what she was saying cuz to him(and me) blood is thicker than water. So I tell her what I think about what she's saying, and she just tells Matt that she's enjoying this cuz she made me mad, and she enjoys making people mad. Well, when I'm told that, I said I hated her, and wanted nothing to do with her(that was the anger speaking). She had a friend over that weekend too, and she spent the whole night listening to one song on my mp3 player, Kiss by Korn, holding the bear I got her for Valentine's Day, crying the whole night. The next day, she texted me and said that we needed to talk, and I agreed cuz I felt like shit for what I said. We talked it over and we stayed together, cuz I never said that I was breaking up with her.

About 3 days pass and she writes me a note, I misread the note and thought that she had said that she was in it to make me happy. I said, "Don't be in a relationship cuz it makes me happy, be in it cuz it makes you happy." She misunderstood that and thought I meant break up with me(cuz what I said there was a little more to) and so she did. We talked about this and realized that we both made a mistake, but we didn't immediately go back out, she wasn't sure if she wanted to be in a relationship with me at the time. But on February 28th, she asks me back out, and we last for over 3 months. I have NO complaints what-so-ever about that time I spent with her, and on May 14th, I propose to her. We were serious about it too, we had it planned out and everything. We were gonna wait til she was done with college and after we both had a job to actually pay for the wedding. But around a month after I proposed to her, we do the same stupid thing we did the previous year, and got caught in a similar fashion. Her baby sister woke up again, Reggie was called, this time we were in her yard, so she went back inside and got caught by her mom, I managed to get back inside my house but I saw someone outside and assumed I got caught by my dad, so I said to myself, "If he's outside, then he's checked everywhere in the house, I don't have a lie to tell to get myself out of this." So I go outside, and find out it wasn't my dad, it was Reggie. I had thought that he went inside when Kelly's mom told him that she came back in. I confessed what we did since there was no way out. And now me and Kelly can't speak AT ALL. I'm not allowed to speak to her til she's 18 so her parents can't really do anything to me. And she's not allowed to speak to me til she graduates. If she ever dates me again, her family disowns her, that's how much they hate me.

We didn't exactly follow those rules, and started dating off and on since. But like I said in my story, I eventually told her I cheated on her and now I've lost my chances with her... She's now dating some guy named Dee, and I'm dating Christeena. We miss each other like crazy, but we know we just won't work so we stay away.

I still love her, and I always will. Christeena knows about a good majority of this already, there were some things I didn't tell her, but I told her the important parts. There's some that I didn't tell you guys cuz it's staying between me and Kelly, me and Christeena, and me and the people I tell my problems to who aren't Kelly and Christeena.

I plan on using all of today as a day to tell you guys reasons I go emo. That way if you guys catch me being all depressed, you'll have an idea why.

Hurting people:

Well, one thing is what I did to Kelly. I absolutely HATE hurting people, especially people close to me... I don't guess I have to go into any more detail on this since I've talked about it a lot this week.

Another thing is the deaths of my loved ones:

When I was really young, like 4 or 5, my great grandmother passed away. I can't really say that depressed me, cuz I barely knew her and I was only 4/5 years old, not old enough to really understand anything.

When I was in the 6th grade(11 years old), my grandmother passed away...I was closer to her than ANYONE else EVER in my life...that was when I stopped giving a shit about pretty much everything and anything.

The next year(7th grade, 12 years old), my cousin died shortly after birth. The only part about this that depresses me is the fact that he didn't get to enjoy life...he didn't even get to make it home...

The year after that(8th grade, 13 years old), my best friend from the 3rd grade drowned in a rock quarry...he didn't even get to make it to high school...

The year after that(9th grade, 14 years old), my friend from down the street overdosed on pills...it was his senior year...

The year after that(10th grade, 15 years old), my friend who I was in Boy Scouts with(yeah, I was in Boy Scouts...), his mom passed away...I wasn't real close to her, but I was still pretty close...

2 years after that(12th grade, 17 years old), just barely before Thanksgiving, my grandfather passed away...I was really close to him, I've spent MANY summers camping with him and my grandmother, fishing and just hanging out...

That one and my grandmother hit me the hardest...and what made it even worse was that my grandfather's happened during my senior year...and that made it worse for my grandmother's death as well...cuz 2 of the people I was closest to wouldn't be there for my graduation...and my best friend wouldn't be graduating next to me...

Bullying:

All my life, I've been the one everyone(and I mean everyone) decided to pick on. I was always the butt of the joke and I was always the loser.

At first it was because I was the nerdy kid that couldn't stand up for himself, that was until my grandmother's death. After she died, I stopped caring about my grades and was known by everyone as "the emo kid." Which just made everyone want to pick on me more and more. When I got to high school, it turned into actual physical bullying. They even made a game called "Kick Blade with your ROTC shoes." 10 points if you kicked me in the butt, 20 if it was in the balls... This finally stopped when I became a senior and all the people who would bully me were graduated. It wasn't just physical bullying tho...it was also emotional bullying. I've been told by a lot of people that they were afraid of me...they were afraid I'd bring a gun to school and start shooting the people who bullied me. I never did obviously, but it did take it's toll on me. All of that, plus the stress my neighbors were causing me, and all the anger I was feeling from the stupid people who don't know how to shut their mouths, I just couldn't handle it...and I have actually cut myself because of it. I have lots of scars on my left arm...I'm not proud of doing that...but it's a permanent reminder of some of the things I've done, cuz most of them were to punish myself.

My near-death experiences:

These only depress me when I'm already depressed, cuz I'll get sad that I'm still alive.

When I was 4 years old(rough estimate), I choked on a gummy lifesaver(ironic, go ahead and laugh, I do sometimes) and my dad had just left to go somewhere, my mom was panicing, not knowing what to do. So she went outside and yelled for my dad cuz he had JUST left like 10 seconds before I ate the lifesaver. She yelled loud enough for my dad to hear her, with the music on down our (roughly) 50 foot road. Most kids complain that their mom can yell loud, I don't, that's what saved my life...

Some time around 13 years old, I was camping with my grandparents and cousins(Matt and John). John had gotten a kayak for his birthday about a month before and we were taking turns in it in the lake. It was my turn and Matt thought it would be funny to flip me over, so he did. It took me a good while to get out of it, and I almost drowned. I had blacked out it took me so long, but obviously I lived...when I came up from the water, I saw that both of them were gone...they had ran back to the camper out of shock/fear.

You might see me tag as "WhyDidILive?," this is what the name is referring to...

I don't want pity, I don't want sympothy, tbch I doubt I'd get any, but that's fine with me. If you choose not to believe parts of this, that's fine too. It's your prerogative to believe what you wish.

I was looking at the Time Capsule main page with all the capsules of time that have been done so far, and I was looking at the amount of views each has had. So far, mine has the third most views. Core and T@D are ahead of me, which makes me wonder why I'm ahead of Clip. Cuz I read his and it was pretty interesting, was a mixture of Virt's and Core's if you think about it. And if you combine the 2 of their view count, you get more than mine...so why am I ahead of Clip? O.O I have no idea...just something random I noticed.

Well, this is probably my last message for this, it was a lot more fun than I thought it would be. I thank you all for putting up with me and my annoyingness and my emoness, and I apologize if I get on anyone's nerves when I'm in a mood. I tend to become a little bitch when I get depressed, so I'm sure I've annoyed many of you.

Catch you all on the flip side.

DATA signing out.

Your thread should be an inspiration to others that are in waiting to do this.

I appreciate you taking the time to do this, well done.